To my friend?

Have you ever had a friend that's basically an acquaintance that you hang out with all day, everyday, I do.
This person isn't playing cool to be mysterious. It's just some weird defense mechanism that inhibits them from being normal.
Don't know
So being totally apathetic is one thing.
Being unresponsive and aloof
another
It's like being friends
with SIRI

"It takes all kinds of people to populate a planet"
"I'd be lucky if I were muscle tissue"

Nearing my last teen; memoirs

It took me 18 years and countless hot baths to come to the following clichéd conclusions. However, I wish to share these thoughts before I turn nineteen or twenty, seems like I'll be thirty before I know it and I keep postponing to write things down thinking I'll remember. But the truth is I forget everything; poetic? premature alzheimer's? I'm one of those that forgets what it feels like to be a year younger, it's some highly developed mechanism of repression? Could be but idk my life isn't bad at all.

BUT

The human condition is indeed,

 fucking 

        tragic.

We want love and attention, but we choose to pretend we don't. Then when someone expresses they long for these things, we deem them needy or "attention whore". I hate fucking apostrophes, they feel phony, but well...

Another thing I wanna say is that I hold indie movies, classic fiction and brit pop responsible for many of my flaws.

THANKS FOR THE LIES. Yeah, Fitzgerald our longings are universal. And all humanity shuns them, I don't get it.It is truly great to be a tragically romantic person in today's hookup culture. It really is. Which brings me to my new central dogma:

 "I was waiting for

something extraordinary to happen

but as the years wasted on

nothing ever did

unless I caused it" 

- Charles Bukowski

This is what upsets me these days. I keep waiting for "fate" to do its thing where it makes me feel like I found my place on Earth. But all it does is throw crap at a high speed fan that's positioned strategically next to my face. 

Unavoidable. 

Inevitable. 

Time seeps. 

Unrecoverable.

I'm unbelievably condescending these days but I don't necessarily love how I am, still I don't know where the sense of superiority is coming from.

I had this idea yesterday for an app like Tinder but it could match people based on their music taste. Not for hooking up but for people that would actually want to meet people with similar tastes and recommend stuff to each other. 

But secretly I find this mess to be kind of beautiful and I fear getting things my way, what am I gonna want then? 

I think I love being a martyr. 

Atlas or Whiny Young Adult?

6 tables, 24 "pre med students" = condescendence galore

In my table they make small talk. Everything they say has to do with sororities, pee, and or alcohol.
Over it.

Check if my grade is posted.
Lab group discusses sources of anxiety.

Getting into internships
getting into research
getting into grad school
getting into . . .  lol
It's like we're all Atlas the goddamn Titan.
Impressing potential employers, don't post this... you won't get into
don't take that class it'll look "bad"
does your GPA = self worth ?
I'm starting to think that everyone thinks it does...
If we all perceive something in a certain way, does that make it so?

At least my bio TA plays decent music in this pit of hell. I like lab, I like Bio and I'm fond of my lab partners, they're ok.

Summer classes.
Requirements.
Calc.
Organic Chemistry.
Satanic Rituals?

People that openly say that they try to "read" people.
Lets take a moment. The fact that you openly say that defeats the purpose. If you were trying to be somewhat obscure and enigmatic, you just screwed up. Sit down and finish your lab.

yolk plug - vocabulary word

It's raining, it's the first time I can actually believe that this tundra is in the same planet as my 70 degree home.

"Makes excellent use of French Horns" - Something my TA said

Long hallway with doors leading to unpleasant places. Green tiles cover the walls, about ten pipes of assorted colors.  I think that every time someone on the floor above walks, the pipes are lose and start squeaking, of course it's dimly lit...this is some Harry Potter crap.

Thought I lost my phone, almost died.
Roommate called and she thought someone had answered, it was the machine, she's painfully foreign.

Lets all take a moment to talk about dining halls, please.
I didn't get the memo that warned about sitting at the lunch ladies table. For future reference the tables near the food are apparently reserved as some sort of segregation ritual for dining hall workers and the ocasional drifter (myself). I've always taken great pleasure in listening to random thought's from different types of people. The cafeteria workers right now they're discussing the hotness level of the "boom boom boom" sauce. Which btw apparently isn't too bad.

If you think this is lacking cohesiveness, you're reading it correctly.
I feel like if someone read this out loud in a new wave-ish tone it'd make a lovely Joy Division song.

Another Day Another Dollar

It seems like the bitter cold is some lame attempt at creating some parallelism. My inactive life is the reflects this bullshit. I hate cursing when I write, I feel like some lame-ass angsty teenager, which in reality is what  am.  Spring keeps playing hard to get. I keep sucking at Chemistry. I go to lecture just to watch Netflix. Call my mom once a day, everything seems to be alright. If it wasn’t she wouldn’t tell me anyway, so … there’s that. My Chemistry professor left the week before our second exam. Great. Exothermic, endothermic, state function, equations to calculate some intermolecular force.

Do we care?

Or do we just put up with this to achieve some type of respectable position so that we feel somewhat superior? I bet that one day I’ll be walking down the street and I’ll get my non graphing calculator out to calculate a base’s acid dissociation constant. 60K a year? Totally worth it.

It’s OK to be miserable now, you’ll have money and power soon enough. You'll make everyone you hate your secretary's secretary. It'll work out. 

Ignore Facebook birthday notifications. Check email. The class is unresponsive, seems like everyone in the auditorium is either deaf or dead. Like I said my professor is somewhere discussing. Dark, tall, and everything but handsome. The look of your everyday genius socio path. “It’s cheap...just like me” he said referring to his pen. A great way to start a lecture off at a snobby ass University. He’s talking about saturation, a concept I do understand. Gary did another demo that I didn’t understand.

How does one know that one truly likes something? I don’t think that the way I go about it is the correct way. I just rule out everything I dislike, and whatever I end up with, well… I guess I like that.

I’m a hydrophobic tail. I don’t know what I like but I know what I should stay away from.