Nearing my last teen; memoirs

It took me 18 years and countless hot baths to come to the following clichéd conclusions. However, I wish to share these thoughts before I turn nineteen or twenty, seems like I'll be thirty before I know it and I keep postponing to write things down thinking I'll remember. But the truth is I forget everything; poetic? premature alzheimer's? I'm one of those that forgets what it feels like to be a year younger, it's some highly developed mechanism of repression? Could be but idk my life isn't bad at all.

BUT

The human condition is indeed,

 fucking 

        tragic.

We want love and attention, but we choose to pretend we don't. Then when someone expresses they long for these things, we deem them needy or "attention whore". I hate fucking apostrophes, they feel phony, but well...

Another thing I wanna say is that I hold indie movies, classic fiction and brit pop responsible for many of my flaws.

THANKS FOR THE LIES. Yeah, Fitzgerald our longings are universal. And all humanity shuns them, I don't get it.It is truly great to be a tragically romantic person in today's hookup culture. It really is. Which brings me to my new central dogma:

 "I was waiting for

something extraordinary to happen

but as the years wasted on

nothing ever did

unless I caused it" 

- Charles Bukowski

This is what upsets me these days. I keep waiting for "fate" to do its thing where it makes me feel like I found my place on Earth. But all it does is throw crap at a high speed fan that's positioned strategically next to my face. 

Unavoidable. 

Inevitable. 

Time seeps. 

Unrecoverable.

I'm unbelievably condescending these days but I don't necessarily love how I am, still I don't know where the sense of superiority is coming from.

I had this idea yesterday for an app like Tinder but it could match people based on their music taste. Not for hooking up but for people that would actually want to meet people with similar tastes and recommend stuff to each other. 

But secretly I find this mess to be kind of beautiful and I fear getting things my way, what am I gonna want then? 

I think I love being a martyr.